'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin 'round
But in your life you'll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
(OMFG I JUST QUOTED A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG WTF IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEE)

I gave you a choice. Fix it, either by making her realize I'm not a threat or dumping her, or I wouldn't talk to you anymore.
You chose the second option, and then said if things didn't get better with her, you'd talk to me in a few weeks.
You just assumed I'd take you back.
But there's a lesson you have to learn, that I had to learn when I was fifteen, too. You made your choice. You chose a lover over a friend, and you'll lose that lover eventually (Because you're only fifteen, and love never lasts at that age), and you can't unchoose.
So, congratulations. Atleast you only lost an online friend that listened to you for two years, instead of several best friends.
Goodbye, Blake.
I loved you.

tags: blake

Its totally not a friends-only post! OMG LIKE WOO.
Anyways, the past few weeks have included;
-Me getting kidnapped and dragged to Fan Days in Plano, Texas. Yeah, that's right; a STAR WARS convention. Leo cosplayed Luminara, Kurt was, as always, Obi Wan, and I got to run around and hold their stuff while people took pictures of them
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=117599&id=536251129&l=ab5ff13fcd
-Star Wars d20 hasn't really gone anywhere of any importance. Atleast, nothing lulzy has happened since that first time, except that my Twi'lek soldier blew off some guys leg with a crit hit
YEAH. I'm AWESOME
-Leo and I are starting a SW roleplay, and, by god, its got the semblance of a very interesting plot already. It kinda makes me think of Star Wars+ Time Traveler's Wife. Kinda. Because Leo and I couldn't decide on one time era. I wanted to play Clone Wars and Old Republic, and she wanted the New Republic, and we both kinda wanted to dabble in Order 66 because my Clone obsession is spreading to her, methinks
- I helped Murph move to OKC. Two hours away. Plus, I got a second part time job ontop of my fulltime job, so I'll very rarely be able to smoosh in time to see him. Or, like, do anything else, since there will not be a full day off for another few months. I will have days where I'm only working one job, but I won't have days where I'm off both, except, I think, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Black Friday will KILL me. Dead.
-Moving to Norman is getting more complicated than I originally thought. The only one out of the group who's planning to move down there with me that I trust to really go is Eri. Ick.
The things I do for a man =/

So, in short, Star Wars, Star Wars, angst, manthing, Star Wars, humping Boba Fett's leg, Star Wars, Target, Job, Money, angst, Star Wars... You get it.

mood: tired tags: angst, kurt, leo, murphy, star wars, target, toys r us

My stepmother found my livejournal (Woohoo family drama!), so now all posts will be friends only.
So, if you're from Giant or something else, make an account and make a post, and I'll add you...if I want to.
Kthnxbai.

Two major events have happened since I last posted
1) Kurt pussied out on moving with Leo to Chicago. A week before they left. Bastard. So, Leo doesn't get to go to school until next semester.
And she asked that I go with her.
Which means, instead of a year to decide, I have a month or two.
If not for Murphy, I would pick up and leave without a second thought. And while the relationship isn't so serious, and I can't say I'm in love, its going fairly well. He's so normal, and I'm just naturally content.
On the other hand, if I stay here and the relationship fails, I'll beat myself up for missing out on an opportunity.
2) Murphy went to the BA Target today to have an interview. He applied to become team lead there, which leaves Green World without a team lead in mind. Trey told Roger, in front of me, he wants to steal me for the position, and then later told me that, all joking aside, he's really going to be looking for a new team lead in green, and I should really, really think about it because he thinks I would be perfect for it.
Hoshit, I would be, like, all my friend's boss (sort of..). Melanie, Chris, Ashley...
Plus, I have this feeling that if I become team lead, I'll never, ever leave Target. And, god, that would suck.
I don't know.
But, oh, a pay raise would be so nice.
I like money.
Blargh, so many big life decisions.

mood: contemplative music: Cigarettes and Chocolate- Rufus Wainwright tags: chicago, kurt, leo, murphy, target, team lead

And all I really want to say is "SHE LIKES -LAWL NAME OMITTED- AND NOT YOU GET OVER IT YOU STUPID ATTENTION WHORING PANSY"
Except Roland would personally track me down and ban me from life.

And that's not a typo. Its FROM life, not for life.
>>

I like spending late, late nights at Ihop. I get to talk with an array of people about a bunch of different things that aren't me or them, but are interesting, nonetheless.
On the way home, I screamed along with Apocalyptica's I Don't Care.
I've never felt so emotionally free.

music: I Don't Care- Apocalyptica tags: ihop

So, I'm sleeping, and I hear a school bus.
Obviously, its got to be nine or so in the morning, and now would be a great time to get up and do some laundry and any other number of things I've been holding off on doing. Its my day off, after all.
So, I get up.
Its 245 in the afternoon. I went to bed at just before three.
..
TWELVE HOURS.
I've never slept more than ten in my entire life. My entire day off, wasted!
bsfvkhqebfi kvqefrvqerv

Atleast I may get to see Murphy today.

tags: murphy, sleep

I have a notebook that I carry with my everywhere. Its got a purple, semi-translucent cover, and I bought it way back last September. Over a year ago.
And, aside from one short ship with Phoe and Reina I wrote in it (which is posted as Perfect Blue in the Shipping thread, I think), I didn't really use it at all. Up until about a month and a half ago.
Since then, I've been writing in it constantly.
I like to write letters. I find it is an easy way for my to get rampant emotions out, feel like I'm telling the person who's the source of such emotions and yet, not actually tell them at all.
This notebook is chock full of letters.
Some to Rein, some to Melanie, one to Leo, two to Kurt, three to me dad, one to my stepmother, one to Mordokai, one to Happy Turtle, two to Jacklu, one to Twobit, two to Dirk...and SEVEN (Count them, SEVEN) to Blake. Seven of them. Ranging all kinds of emotions.
Oh. There's also one to John Lennon. For whatever reason. I think I was just feeling particularly fangirly that night.
Strangely enough, I write almost all of them when I'm at IHop visiting Leo. Afterall, she's working and can't waste all of her time chit-chatting with me, and I'm often left to sit there with my coffee and Sprite and think.
Thinking is bad for me, I think.
I most definitely overthink things when I'm allowed to.

Anyways, so, notebook got some extra lovin' put into it today. The first real sketch I've done without looking at something in over a year, I think. A damned year.
Of course, it was awful, but, still, I did something.
And I wrote another ship. Unspecified on who it is, like the one I did last night, but I think I'll stuff some names in there. Thufir, I think, though the male in both ships were easy, because neither of them were really anything more than names.
I don't know who the woman in this one will be.
I was thinking maybe Ego or Koorli, but I think I'd like to put in someone I haven't shipped before.
Just because.
I think I'm tired about writing about me.
Or, actually, since both ships have touches of me, I think I've become very sick of shipping myself directly.
From now on, I may vicariously ship myself some more.
Plus, I think it makes people happy to be shipped, even if its not very specific to themselves. I like making people happy, when I can, or care to.

Mmm, I get to sleep in tomorrow.
Actually, sleep sounds good right about now. I'mma head to bed and sleep under by big comforter with the air conditioner blowing, and nothing on except my Doors tshirt.
Jim Morrison is on my right boob! =O
(Gawds, I must be tired)

mood: tired music: In Between Days- The Cure tags: band tshirts, dad, gitp, jim morrison, kurt, leo, melanie, mordokai, rairai/blake, reinholdt, shipping, stepmother, the doors, tired, twobi

This week has been nothing if not interesting.
Murphy left Friday to go to Dallas, to see OU play and get their ass kicked. Friday, I got into an argument with my stepmother. Or, rather, I said something as I was leaving, not directed at her or any of her children, quietly, and without yelling, and she flipped out and had dad call me and demand I apologize, which I refused to do.
So, I went out with Koko and we saw Up again. Third time, for me, and for some reason, I can watch that movie over and over and over again without growing sick of it. There's something to it, a pure innocence, that Pixar has not held for me in some time.
I was, overall, very pleased, yet again.
Saturday, was work...and..I can't remember what else. It was a very bland day, I think. Maybe I went to see Leo?
Wait, no, that was after Koko dropped me off back home. I snuck upstairs and then said something to the effect of "Fuck it".
No, Saturday, I think, I closed with Uncle Chris, who, while initially reminding me of Uncle Ghost, isn't very much like him at all. There are some similarities, but the overall feeling is very different.
So, Sunday. Wake up early, go to work, get off work, call Leo. Not sure what the plan was originally, but we end up going to the Hookah lounge.
Wow.
Wow.
I don't smoke. I've never really smoked anything in my life, so this was an experience for me. Leo had her share of experimenting,so she knew what to expect.
Damn. I was scared that it would hurt, but it was really smooth, and we chose a delicious flavor.
We had fun quoting the Caterpillar back and forth.

The rest of the night turned into a girl's night, and I slept over her house until the next day, when I came home for about fourty five minutes before SW d20.
Which we only played for somewhere around thirty minutes, because Melanie had to work that night =/
We got through our first combat, though!
Kokai'sin, my Twilek, shot a guys leg off o.o

Today, date with Murphy. Inglorious Basterds (my second time to see it), and dinner, where he let me drink about half of his margarita. Oh, my old friend, Margarita. I missed you.
And then I told my dad about how old Murphy was. The conversation went as thus.
Dad: How was the date?
Me: Oh, good.
Dad: Who was it with?
Me: Murphy.
Dad: Who?
Me:...Dad, I told you about him before.
Dad: The guy from work?
Me: Yeah. He might become a teamlead.
Dad: Do you think that's a good idea? I mean, dating one of your bosses?
Me: He won't be my boss, just a team lead. We're in different areas.
Dad: Still, I think you should talk to one of your teamleads about it, or a manager. That way, if something happens, you can say "Well, so and so said it would be fine", or something. So they don't fire you.
Me: They wouldn't. They'd just transfer me. And, anyways, my teamlead, Chase, is dating Melanie, so he wouldn't say anything against me dating Murphy. By the way, dad, I'm not sure what to think about this; Melanie is seven years younger than Chase (which is true). What do you think?
Dad: Well, I think its okay, but not likely to work out in the long run.
Me: Okay, well, Murphy is seven years older than me, too
Dad: Oooo, you're sneaky.
Me: Eheh. Yeah. But, I was being honest. Chase is also seven years older than Melanie
Dad: Well, be careful. Wait, why's he working at Target?
Me: I'm being careful. He's really laid back, and not at all the jealous type, which, as you remember, I have a bad habit of getting involved with. And he's got a bachelor's in...something. But he can't find a job for it, so he may be going back.

And that was it, really. Dad didn't flip out, or anything. Maybe he's come to realize I'm an adult, and I'm going to make my own problems regardless of what he says.
Then I ran off to Target, because Ashley said she needed a hug. Family drama for her. Spoke to Chase a little bit...interestingly, though he doesn't know much about Kurt, when I mentioned I don't think I like him at all (Oh, yes, that's a recent development, too. I decided I'm pretty sure I don't like Kurt. And while it not that I really dislike him, I just..don't think positively of him at all. He's a coward who hides behind a facade of arrogant assholery..but he's Leo's good friend, so I suppose that its fine), Chase mentioned that he gets the feeling that Kurt is super jealous. Not like normal jealous, but really, really jealous. Just, overall, a jealous person. Especially over Leo and I,who, he thinks, Kurt sees as his women. Which makes sense, actually, judging by a few comments Kurt's made about Murphy without knowing him (many of which involve the size of Murphy's genitalia).
It was just an interesting statement, to come from Chase. Melanie is very lucky. The man is very quiet, but incredibly intelligent, very good at reading people accurately in a short amount of time.
I appreciate him. He's a really damned good person. I wish I could get to be friends with him, or more than just the girlfriend's good friend, you know?
He's very, very worthy of Melanie.

Mmm. Right. Enough rambling, here's a really bad picture of me expelling hookah smoke.

( Read more... )

Also, I'm crossdressing for Halloween as Robert Smith of the Cure. My hair is going to be shit after I backcomb it.

mood: chipper music: Burn- The Cure tags: ashley, chase, d20, hookah, inglorious basterds, koko, kurt, leo, melanie, murphy, robert smith, star wars, stepmother, target, the cure, uncle chris

Leo suggested last night that I move to Chicago with her and Kurt.
And while I'm not sure she was serious, and I do have things tying me here, I can't stop considering the idea.

tags: chicago, leo

Its a shame (and rather adorable and admirable, really) that he's been married to the same woman for, like, ever.

Also, I think I'm going to go to Ihop to see Leo and write angsty, angry letters in my notebook to noone in particular, because it just happens to make me feel better.

mood: lonely music: Hats off to Marriage, Baby- The Wrens tags: ihop, leo, robert smith, the cure

I think Jacklu is a self-absorbed, inconsiderate, attention whoring asshole who has no problem throwing someone else to the wolves if it gets him "love" from the rest of the chat.

There. I said it.

Today sucked.
The end.

You'll never reach it."
- Salvador Dali

Pyrian, you are awesome.
Thank you for being so awesome.

tags: pyrian, quote

I'm upset, I'm confused, and I'm crying.

Labeling my sexuality should not upset me this much.

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2693546

You know, having come from a movie so long ago, its still so fitting.
Not that this movie was really supposed to be taken seriously, but still.


The original:

Kurt is going with Leo to Chicago in September.
I don't know what to think.
That's like, half of my social life.
Buuuut, I think there are playgrounders around there, so maybe I'll make a visit to see Leo and Kurt and the Playgrounders.
I'unno.

I went to see Leo this morning/late last night at Ihop, since she works the graveyard shift. I spent the first four hours writing a six page long letter to...someone.
I hadn't even known I had had such bitter thoughts til that moment.
My handwriting is typically bad, but when its emotional and hyped up on coffee, which I seem to have a habit of drinking only when I'm at Leo's Ihop at two in the morning, its awful. I can't even read parts of the letter now.
And, then, I sat with some of the other regulars and played card games. Learned thirteen. Also learned one of them probably has developed a thing for me, over the few times we've sat and spoken. Although, the last time, we discussed our long-term romances that never quite blossomed.
His sucks more, because he's still desperate for her.

And then I moved over to talk to another guy. Very attractive. Apparantly, a musician of varied tastes. Piano, guitar, bass.
He's quiet, but smart and occasionally has those little biting comments.
Very talkative, if you get him in the right topic. Very open.
I admired him quite a bit.
However, I don't think he knew Leo's a lesbian. They had just exchanged numbers and it came up in my teasing of her. Once again, I think Leo broke a straight man's heart.
He made me want to hug him tight.
I will never see him again after Leo leaves.

So I came home at 845 and then kinda slept off and on til twothirty, when I just said fuck it and went to take a shower. Now, work..

Its been raining since midnight.

mood: cold tags: bacon, chicago, ihop, kevin, kurt, leo

Listen, and see how awesome and hippie-ish Tulsa really is.

Still my least favorite Beatle.
But I definitely like him more.
Here's a video which was taken around where I was sitting (of course, I didn't actually have a camera, and I think we were more directly infront of the side of the stage, but the distance seems about right).



Paul is such a nerd =)

And Blackbird, which made me sob like a baby.


A really weird version of Eleanor Rigby. Doing it live is weird.


I'm disappointed I can't find videos of the two songs I wanted, which had the most audience participation. "Hey Jude" was hilarious, mostly because we went through as many repetitions of "Na nananananana nananana, heeeey Juuuuude" as he felt like. There was a point where he asked the men to do it, and then the girls, and then he said something like "I liked that! Girls again!"
And, then, A Day In The Life, which crossed over to All We Are Saying Is Give Peace a Chance, which gave me crazy goosebumps. An entire arena, a couple thousand people, all singing it.
It was nuts.
Got my sister and myself a tshirt, and I snagged a keychain, too.
And then got lost and found out my sister has extreme anxiety issues, because, though I knew I could find my way home, she's screaming at the top of her lungs and crying and freaking out, no matter how much I tried to tell her it was okay.
And then work today. Where I stressed out, and finally Roger told me I didn't need to stress out in grocery ever again, because now he's my grocery ETL and he would take care of me, etc.
Of course, half the time I stress, its cause of him.
Ugh.
And he's stopped calling me 'Nick' and started calling me 'sis'. Huh.

tags: paul mccartney, roger, sarah, sister, target